Too Creepy to Handle: «The worst ones are the ones without big biceps»
My «Too Creepy to Handle» series is about to kick off. In this first instalment, you’ll find out why a scorpion’s «guns» have little to do with strength. And in a surprising encounter with a yellow spotted isopod, you’ll find out what its turn-offs are.
Whether it’s guns of steel, voluptuous curves or the gift of the gab, TV dating show contestants tend not to shy away from flaunting their charms. So after visiting Lorica, Switzerland’s largest reptile breeding station, I thought, why not give tropical animals the same opportunity on Galaxus? After all, the critters are true all-rounders – and in increasingly high demand among pet owners. The first animal I’ll be giving the floor to as part of my Too Creepy to Handle series is a scorpion.
The scorpion
Source: Christian Walker
«Oh, is it me already? That was quick! Let me just swallow this.»
«Hello, Scorpion. What’s that you’re munching away on?»
«Ah, I’ve been out late tonight (as per) treating myself to insect snacks. Little spiders, cockroaches, crickets, centipedes ... anything I can beat in a fight. And let’s just say, I do pretty well for myself in that area. Haha.»
«I was just thinking about how big your muscles are.»
«Thanks! Yeah, my pincers are pretty rad, aren’t they? Uh, und reimen kann ich auch noch.»
«Very impressive. Mind you, your stinger isn’t as big as I’d imagined it would be.»
«Oh, um, that’s kinda embarrassing.»
«Why?»
«Well …»
«Come on, spit it out»
«The worst scorpions don’t have big biceps, but they do have immense stingers. The greater that ratio, the more toxic we are.»
«Interesting. And how many of you are a danger to us humans?»
«Only about two dozen out of roughly 1,000 species. But hey, I’m still a catch.»
«Are you now …?»
«Absolutely. In the last few centuries, I’ve developed pectines, comb-like structures I can use to sense what’s happening on the ground amazingly well. When there’s a lady approaching, I immediately feel it in the vibrations.»
«Not bad. And how are things going with the ladies?»
«They’re really nice – all of them. I’m not picky.»
«Do you have kids of your own yet?»
«Sure, I’ve lost count of how many. I’m buzzing every time the babies crawl out of my partner’s back. That’s where her … y’know … lady opening is.»
«Well put. So who takes care of the little ones?»
«The women, of course.»
«Figures …»
(Eight eyes – or is it six? – stare questioningly at me.)
«Change of topic: what’s an absolute no-no for you?»
«Dryness. As a forest scorpion, having moist soil in my home is an absolute must if I’m to shed my skin. However, a quarter of that soil has to stay dry. That’s a better place for me to harden my chitin exoskeleton.»
«Oh, so you’ve got a walk-in wardrobe? Come to think of it, what does the rest of your apartment look like?»
«Things get really hot at my place …»
«You don’t say.»
«No joke. I set the room temperature to 24°–28° Celsius – about the same temperature as my home country, Laos. My favourite place to hang out is in my (man) cave. Speaking of which, I’m going to have to love you and leave you. I’ve got another long night ahead of me.»
«Of course … see you!»
The scorpion in brief
- Origin: Asia
- Lifespan: 4–25 years
- Size: 10–15 centimetres (flat rock scorpions can grow to 21 centimetres long)
- Weight: 10-100 grammes
- Favourite food: insects
- Home size: 60 × 40 × 40 centimetres
The isopod
Source: Christian Walker.
«Quite the show-off. Even if he does have a lot going for him,» I think to myself as the scorpion disappears into his cave. Now though, I’m excited for my second exotic encounter – this time, with an isopod. Wait, did something just scurry past?
«Hi there, Isopod. Is that you?»
«Erm. He-hello. Y-yes. That’s me. Hi-hi.»
«Don’t worry, I like insects.»
«Oh, th-then I guess you d-don’t like me.»
«Why do you think that?»
«W-well, I’m a crustacean, not an insect.»
«No way! See, you’ve already surprised me. You don’t need to hide. Come out from under the leaves.»
«O-okay.»
«Wow, your chitin exoskeleton is lovely and yellow.»
(Turning red): «You think so? It’s because of my Cuban roots. Passionate. Spirited. Th-that’s me.»
«You really are full of surprises. What else should I know about you?»
«I-I like ... moss and rotten leaves?»
«Okay. Yep. And?»
«… and fish food …»
«You’re a gourmet-»
«… and insect droppings.»
«So you’re into recycling. I take it you’re not very fussy then.»
«Yes. I mean, no.»
«But are there any turn-offs for you in a partner?»
«Loads. If someone leaves tree needles lying around, it’s an obvious red flag. We isopods like almost all green food, but entire families of isopods have been killed by needles. So irresponsible.»
«Anything else?»
«Yeah, if his soil is too acidic, I immediately see his true colours. The soil substrate is meant to be as rich in nutrients as possible and a little moist. But not too moist. I like warm temperatures, but not when it’s too hot. 26°–28° Celsius.»
«But apart from that, you’re low-maintenance?»
«Mm-hmm. Totally.»
«Seriously?»
«Yeah, I hardly need any space and I enjoy chilling with my family under a nice canopy of leaves. That’s the good life.»
«Nice one. It was nice to me- ... uh, wait, where’d you go, Isopod?»
(Munching, muffled calls from a distance): «Over here. Mmmh, this rotten leaf looked too tempting.»
«Bon appétit!»
The isopod in brief
- Origin: Madagascar, Cuba
- Lifespan: 2–4 years
- Size: 6–8 millimetres (deep sea isopods can grow up to 45 centimetres long)
- Weight: 10-100 grammes
- Favourite food: Fruit, vegetables, leaves and wood
- Home size: 40 × 40 × 40 centimetres
Check out these bachelor pads for exotic pets
In next week’s instalment of Too Creepy to Handle, we’ll meet another two fascinating tropical animals. Click on the Follow button to stay tuned.
Header image: Christian Walker19 people like this article
Darina Schweizer
Senior Editor
Darina.Schweizer@digitecgalaxus.chI like anything that has four legs or roots. The books I enjoy let me peer into the abyss of the human psyche. Unlike those wretched mountains that are forever blocking the view – especially of the sea. Lighthouses are a great place for getting some fresh air too, you know?
