Sleeping Solo: why having your own bed doesn’t mean love’s not alive

It’s not news that not all lovers sleep in the same bed. Take the intellectual couple Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, who slept and lived apart for most of their passionate liaison. Suspiciously eyed by the petty bourgeoisie, the two remained faithful to the pact they had made for life at a very young age. «I am, whether near or far, entirely yours,» Beauvoir wrote in one of her famous love letters. Now, I personally am not for open relationships like the one that the famous French pair had. But I’m definitely for «LAT», the «Living Apart Together» model of life. Though if for some likely financial reasons it’s not an option, there’s my personal favourite – the «SAT» model. It stands for «Sleeping Apart Together» and is loosely known as a «Sleep Divorce».

Sleeping separately doesn’t have to mean your love is lacking

The term «Sleep Divorce» embodies the attitude that many people have toward a couple that sleeps apart: uh oh. Not a good sign. I’ve become accustomed to the looks I get when others find out about this decision of mine. To me it feels as if people tend to deny solo sleepers the right to their idea of that one, great and true love. That’s because physical distance is equated with emotional distance.

Personally, I’ve nothing against spooning, cuddling or holding hands in bed. I don’t mind spending an evening binge watching together, and as far as sex goes, morning or evening, that’s fine by me. But in between, I just wanna sleep. A long, restful sleep. Without the constant hum of the TV (a must for many craving that good night’s rest). Without having to deny myself a bit of flatulence. Without feeling guilty when I snore. Without being annoyed when it’s not me who’s snoring. Without engaging in the endless battle of the blankets. Without facing problems falling asleep because he’s reading his detective novel next to me until the wee hours of the morning. Without being woken up throughout the night because he’s restlessly turning, talking in his dreams, grinding his teeth or getting up before me. In my eyes, the bed you sleep in isn’t a barometer of love. Or the quality of your sex life. It’s just a bed. Where you sleep. For an uninterrupted eight hours, if possible.

It’s the woman who wakes up more easily

Since 2007, I’ve been able to rest assured that my need for a peaceful nightly repose doesn’t stem from a coldness of heart on my part. It’s evolutionary, according to a 2007 study (page in German only) by behavioural biologist John Dittami of the University of Vienna. He analysed the sleep behaviour of unmarried heterosexual couples without children, through measuring devices and interviews. The findings? Women’s sleep is much more negatively affected than men’s when men and women sleep in the same bed. Why? It’s believed women don’t sleep as deeply as men because in prehistoric times, they had to be more aware of potential dangers. The female low threshold for ambient noise is nature’s way of ensuring that women are quicker to notice when their child becomes restless at night. And nowadays? They’re also quicker to notice the man tossing and turning at their side. And it turns out that women need more sleep than their male counterparts. A study by the renowned British Loughborough Sleep Research Centre shows that women use their brains more intensively during the day than men and therefore require a longer nightly repose.

Feelings aren’t determined by what bed you’re in

In 2007, I was 32 years old. I had just married and realised what my future held: a lifetime with a very passionate snorer. I was constantly irritable, overtired, unable to concentrate and performing poorly at work. I even caused a car accident. Not good. Today I’m 47 years old, an age at which people typically experience a decreasing quality of sleep, compared to their younger years. Sharing a bed with a man for any steady period of time – vacations and sleepovers don’t count – no longer crosses my mind. I need my sleep if I’m going to enjoy life and succeed at work. I’m no longer up for trying to make it work; I know what’s best for me. And for my relationship. But this was a decision I didn’t make overnight. During my divorce, I began consulting a therapist – and still benefit from those words of hers to this day. In her professional opinion, there’s nothing wrong with me. Perhaps because a pluralistic approach to couples therapy naturally puts more emphasis on individual freedoms. In other words, since there’s no longer a binding consensus as to what ultimately brings happiness to a relationship, we’re now much more likely to dare choosing what best suits our personal needs.

Creating your own path to intimacy

So it’s now a matter of navigating the plethora of options to find those that best suit you and your partner. This rings true for your choice of sleeping arrangements, too. Couples who don’t sleep together in the same bed or even live in the same apartment have to create their own path to satisfying their needs for closeness. And those who do enjoy sharing a bed are free to do it their way.

So was I just too impatient with my partners? It doesn’t matter. I enjoy my sleep, and I like it alone. What’s important is that each of us gets to choose. Without feeling bad. And for whichever option gives us a restful night’s sleep. So with that, I wish you a good night! Feel free to share below how you prefer sleeping – solo or together?