Manipulation and control: here's how to spot a toxic relationship

Love and pain are very closely linked, and we've all experienced it at least once in our lives. This cruel game is never pleasant, we very often end up hurt and things never turn out as we'd hoped. Disappointment in love always hurts a lot.

Unhappy lovers are sometimes very quick to claim that their partner is behaving in a "toxic" way, i.e. in a way that would be poisonous to themselves and to the relationship. But wouldn't that be a hasty judgement?

"Unhappy relationships always exist", explains psychologist Christian Hemschemeier, author of the book Vom Opfer zum Gestalter: Raus aus toxischen Beziehungen, rein ins Leben ("From victim to actor: getting out of a toxic relationship and getting on with your life", available only in German). "But these toxic relationships, which permeate our neurotransmitters, play in another category."I spoke to this expert about what constitutes a toxic relationship, the signs that allow you to recognise toxic behaviour (even at an early stage) and whether it is possible to be able to save a toxic relationship.

Manipulation and control: what distinguishes a toxic relationship?

There is no single definition of toxic behaviour. That's why the term is currently used in a highly inflationary way, whether to describe an absent partner or a demanding boss. If you're a child of the 90s, you might have a clearer idea. Indeed, one of the most accurate descriptions of toxic behaviour comes from the pop culture of the early 2000s, and more specifically from Britney Spears' hit "Toxic". In her chorus, the singer describes not an unhappy love, but a pathological addiction: "I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic".

Christian Hemschemeier agrees with Britney's analysis: "Toxic relationships are like an addiction, you get more and more involved. When you can't eat or sleep, when you're completely consumed by the relationship, that's a sign that it's toxic."

In this "love addiction" there are two adversaries whose behaviours complement each other perfectly. On the one hand, there's the "culprit", the person behind the toxic behaviour, which can take several forms:

• love bombing: disproportionate demonstration of love from the very beginning of the relationship;
• gaslighting: manipulation by distorting facts and undermining the other's perception ("You misunderstood" or "You're imagining things");
• inversion of guilt: the partner is always designated guilty;
• future faking: exaggerated promises that are never kept;
• double standard: the person controls their partner in every detail, while allowing themselves every freedom.

"On the other side, we tend to find classic "people pleasers" who have a codependent attitude," explains Christian Hemschemeier. These people will always offer their partner yet another chance and justify their toxic behaviour.

The course of a toxic relationship: daily horror and a vicious circle

It's difficult to identify toxic behaviour when you first meet someone and thus spare yourself the ordeal of a relationship. But most of the time, these behaviours come with clear warning signs that you can look out for on the first date: "The clearest and earliest sign of toxic behaviour is being criticised very quickly and very early on", explains the psychologist. From the first date or two, criticism is scattered between the "love bombing" and a hot-cold dynamic very quickly sets in between exuberant declarations of love and chilling criticism.

In addition, "toxic relationships most often work backwards", as Christian Hemschemeier has found when working with clients. "Normal relationships build slowly, intimacy develops over time. Toxic relationships, on the other hand, start with "love bombing" and an overwhelming feeling of having found your soul mate." Faced with such a strong feeling at the beginning, toxic love not only blinds you, but also makes you dependent. And the vicious circle begins.

Because after a few months, the first disappointments occur: lies, deceit, isolation or even broken promises. Tension then builds between the partners. And once you've reached the bottom, everything starts all over again. The couple goes round in a downward spiral: "In toxic relationships, things go up and down like an earthquake. Over time, the suffering becomes more present and the joy of the beginnings diminishes."

If it seems intense, that's because it is. "When you're in a toxic relationship, you confuse intensity with intimacy," explains Christian Hemschemeier. "Instead of true closeness, partners experience nothing but drama."

Toxicity presents itself differently in men and women

"Men are afraid that women will make fun of them. Women are afraid that men will kill them". Novelist Margaret Atwood is credited with this terrible phrase. As far as toxic relationships are concerned, it has to be said that she illustrates the dynamic very well. Not because toxic behaviour is exclusive to men, but because women and men don't adopt the same strategies.

A study by the University of Saskatchewan analysed data from 35,000 women and men. The results are interesting: while men reported ever having been verbally belittled and insulted by their partners, women were more often the victims of extremely controlling behaviour and social isolation. Social gender roles could explain this phenomenon. According to a study, women are more often the victims of "gaslighting", a manipulative technique.

In addition, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences shows that, on a socio-cultural level, masculinity is still synonymous with power, domination and action. Femininity, on the other hand, is seen as nurturing, relationship-oriented, diplomatic and passive. According to the study's authors, women are therefore more likely to adopt indirectly aggressive behaviour.

Our expert psychologist confirms: "Women's toxic behaviour is different from that of men. Men are more likely to avoid commitment, be disloyal or take advantage of their financial power. Women's toxic behaviour is more hidden, but just as powerful. They are more likely to lie, misrepresent things or use their power in court as part of child protection."

The million-dollar question: can a toxic relationship be saved?

First of all, it's important to remember that anyone can fall into a toxic relationship and miss warning signs. "This is particularly true after major life events, such as the death of a loved one, when you are very vulnerable," explains Christian Hemschemeier. No one is immune. The important thing is to recognise in time that a toxic relationship cannot be saved. To overcome this addiction to love, you have to stop the drug altogether and therefore separate.

A task that can prove quite difficult for the parties involved. And perhaps even more so for anyone who has ever seen a friend suffer in a toxic relationship. It's very complicated to deal with," says our expert, "but if you've been told the same story for years and nothing changes, it's best not to talk about it. It's better not to generate any more counter-pressure. In general, this makes people think more than telling them over and over again to leave their partner."

The inevitable break-up: how to leave a toxic relationship

How do you go about leaving a toxic relationship behind? First of all, you have to realise: "There's no love in toxic relationships. Ego, manipulation and dependency, yes, but no love," explains Christian Hemschemeier. In other words, it's not true love that you're giving up, but rather a major catastrophe. Then you have to guard against relapses. "Toxic relationships are like an addiction. When they end, there's a period of detoxification. You feel like a junkie. "Find out about the services you can turn to at the time of separation, such as Victim Support or Women Against Violence.

If you are experiencing the separation very badly, our expert advises you to put your relationship goals in writing. What do you want to have in a relationship and what do you consider non-negotiable? "Realising your own expectations, the number of times they have not been met and everything that has already happened, brings you back to reality."When we realise that the relationship doesn't match our expectations, the relationship collapses on its own," explains Christian Hemschemeier.

Exit the vicious circle: draw a line under the past

The separation is an important step, but it's only the first step. "The risk of falling straight into another toxic relationship is very high," warns Christian Hemschemeier. This is especially true immediately after the break-up. "People rarely choose the wrong person just once. Most of the time, people always end up with the same type of person."

His advice to all love addicts: abstinence. "No dating, no sex, we try to start from scratch. It's important to break old habits and then look for partners outside the usual pattern."