I urgently need a classic car! My life with ADHD
28.7.2021
Translation: Veronica Bielawski
There are exactly two activities that allow me to stay concentrated for several hours: writing and having serious conversations. Anything else, and my mind tends to wander in under a minute. I have ADHD.
ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. I’m not good at listening and sitting still (there’s also ADD, which is the same thing, just without the fidgeting). I’ve been aware of this for a while. Those around me, too. What I haven’t known for quite as long is that there’s a name for it and that other peculiarities come with it. My partner at the time brought it to my attention six years ago. «Meyer,» she said. «You have ADHD. Hardcore. I know this because I have severe ADHD myself.»
She sent me a few links. I read that ADHD not only results in difficulty concentrating and impatience, but also a propensity for chaos, volatility, impulsivity, mood swings, difficulty falling asleep, a lack of behavioural control, forgetfulness to the point of blackouts, and so much more. I knew all this quite well about myself, but never would have made the association.
What’s missing from this list: I keep getting songs stuck in my head! There’s constantly a melody flowing through my mind. Not good songs, mind you, but completely random things. «Multipack, Multipack, Radio 24!», which I had heard at some point (it must have been a long time ago, since you can't find anything about it online), suddenly came to my mind years later, disturbing me during sex or while falling asleep.
That’s ADHD for you: you’re in bed with a woman, and all you can think about is a radio jingle.
Simple diagnosis, not-so-simple solution
I went to see a psychiatrist because I wanted certainty and healing. He gave me a questionnaire.
«Fill this out at home,» he said.
I started filling it out.
«I said at home!» Shaking his head, he walked out to the bathroom.
Yeah, yeah... relax, I thought to myself as I finished filling out the form. I proudly held it up to the psychiatrist when he returned.
He looked at the sheet of paper, turned it over, rolled his eyes and sighed. «You forgot the back of the page. I believe your case is clear.»
As he said this, my mind recalled that I had flunked quite a few exams this way in high school. Because I had forgotten the back of the page.
The doctor prescribed me Ritalin. It didn’t work; I just got more anxious. I tried a herbal supplement, LTO3. That didn’t help either – maybe because I forgot to take it regularly. So my brain continued chattering away in full spirit. Fortunately, I was able to use it creatively. Though it was often just terribly exhausting as well. And expensive! The aforementioned impulsivity had a tendency to show itself in the form of online shopping missions, which were not based on any real need; instead they would be inspired by a spontaneous, newfound joy in objects of all kinds, such as clothes, toys (big and small) and electronic gadgets.
That’s ADHD for you: one day, you find you desperately need a classic car – a glamorous W123-series Mercedes. So you immediately get yourself one. No problem, thanks to leasing. You take a seat in your new old car, drive 500 metres and realise: huh, I don’t actually need a classic car, after all.
Fuck it
I was battling ADHD before I even knew I had it. I saw the damage I was constantly doing. I was always upsetting people because I would forget practically everything personal they had told me. And, speaking of impulsiveness, I would get into relationships without really thinking about who I was getting into the relationship with. I also spent too much money. In addition, I kept starting new hobbies, only to give them up again not long after. I’ve lost count of them. But all the equipment stowed away in my cellar and attic paints a pretty clear picture.
I used to view all this as a collection of isolated character flaws that I desperately wanted to get rid of, but couldn’t. I wanted to be able to listen better, to remember important things better, to be able to stand groups of people better, to not keep falling head over heels in love, to be more frugal, more level-headed, more calm. But I just couldn’t do it. Not even with artificial or natural aids.
One day, I came to a realisation: fuck it, I told myself. You’re unfocused, forgetful, chaotic, and erratic – and you’ll probably stay that way. Accept it instead of rejecting it, and learn to live with it.
Dealing with ADHD
The first thing I did was set my credit card limit to 400 francs. That was the amount I was willing to spend each month with a clear conscience. I also asked my bank to remove my savings account from my online banking. I can still see how much money is on it but would now have to go to the counter and ask for a form to withdraw any money. And I don’t do that – mainly because it’s way too satisfying to have a visibly growing savings account.
Next, I decided to sleep on it before purchasing anything. I can still shamelessly put anything I like in my digitec or Galaxus shopping cart, but I’m only allowed to click «Buy now» the next day. This works quite well. For the most part. I forget my rule sometimes. And what I’ve ordered. When the mailman rings my doorbell the next morning, I’m very curious as I open the package. I wonder what’s inside? Oh!
In general, I try to bring out the cheerful side of my disposition. This works especially well with other people who have ADHD, like my sister.
Me: (says something about everyday life with ADHD)
My sister: (says something about everyday life with ADHD)
Me: (says something completely unrelated)
My sister: (says something completely unrelated)
Me: «What were we just talking about?»
My sister: «Um...»
Me: (laughs)
My sister: (laughs)
ADHD doesn’t manifest in everyone the same way. My sister has serious trouble with numbers – sometimes she was born in 1980, other times in 1890 – while I can recite the phone numbers of people I met 20 years ago. On the other hand, her handling of money is exemplary. But there is something that many people with ADHD experience. Namely, the disposition comes and goes. I especially notice this when playing chess. I play online every day, and when my score suddenly drops by dozens of points because I fail to spot obvious traps set by my opponents or expose my queen, I know: hooray! ADHD is back. This happens about every three months and lasts a few weeks (during which I often turn to a new hobby, like model train sets). Then everything calms down and my chess score returns to its usual amateur level.
I don’t know why my case of ADHD doesn’t affect writing and having conversations about serious things, like relationships. I’m incapable of ironing shirts without looking at my phone every two minutes, but I can work all morning on an article like this. I can’t make small talk, but I can talk to someone all evening about their breakup. I’m super focused then.
Nowadays, I’m open about my ADHD. When I meet with someone to work, I announce beforehand that I have trouble concentrating and may need to do something else after a relatively short time. And when I make an appointment with someone on the phone, I immediately ask for a written confirmation – I know I’m likely to forget the appointment the second I hang up. I’m almost always met with understanding. And that makes it all less of a problem.
Still, there are many people who view ADHD as some kind of excuse to let yourself go. These are the same people who sneer when someone says they have coeliac disease and can’t eat gluten. But ADHD is neither an excuse, nor is it a delusion. It’s a serious limitation that can affect you massively – socially, professionally, economically and in relationships. It can prevent you from living the life you want to live. And it requires quite a lot of patience from fellow human beings. Especially from your partner («That’s the first I’ve heard of it!» – «We just talked about it yesterday...»). And it requires you to be patient with yourself, too.
There are many tests on the internet with nice questions like: «How often do you have a hard time focusing on what people are saying to you, even when they’re talking directly to you?»
You know the test is made for you when you stop reading in detail after question 11 out of 18 because you finally want to see the result.
Do you know the feeling? Or do you know someone who does? Tell me about it in the comments!
Thomas Meyer
freier Autor
Author Thomas Meyer was born in Zurich in 1974. He worked as a copywriter before publishing his first novel «The Awakening of Motti Wolkenbruch» in 2012. He's a father of one, which gives him a great excuse to buy Lego. More about Thomas: www.thomasmeyer.ch.