«Fidelity is a double-edged sword»

Imagine the scene: you’re in a stable monogamous relationship. You go out partying one night with a group of friends. When you’re at the bar, you get talking to someone. You laugh, get on well and flirt. But how would your partner react to a situation like that? Would they see it as harmless flirting or an act of betrayal to your relationship? According to a study (in German) carried out by Elite Partner, 26% of German women and 20% of German men would consider this cheating.

Where fidelity ends and infidelity begins is a very subjective matter. And it’s something that introduces conflict into couple relationships. These are some of the issues that sex therapist and psychotherapist Dania Schiftan comes across on a regular basis in her practice.

Dania, what does fidelity mean?
Dania Schiftan: One interpretation is feeling a sense of loyalty towards the person we’re in a relationship with. This encompasses sexual as well as emotional loyalty. Although it’s generally understood that fidelity is a synonym for sexual loyalty. But this definition question actually leads us to the heart of the problem when it comes to fidelity. Namely, deciding where loyalty begins and ends. The cut-off points will be different for everyone.

Do you have an example?
I always see couples in my practice disagreeing over the point at which the behaviour becomes cheating. For some people, fantasising about someone else is betrayal, while others would consider the turning point to be watching porn, flirting, kissing or having sex with someone else. Meanwhile, there are other people who consider it disloyal for their partner to even look at or be friends with someone else. As you can see, the main problem when it comes to dealing with matters of fidelity is that everyone has their own level of commitment to it, which in turn can lead to conflict within romantic relationships.

How do we end up drawing such different limits?
Various factors play a part, such as how someone was brought up, how they interpret being in a relationship, and how confident someone is. Self-worth is undoubtedly a key aspect. If you’re worried about not meeting your partner’s needs, then you’ll also be scared that, sooner or later, they’ll find someone else.

Why do we even attach so much importance to fidelity? What’s so good about a monogamous relationship?
Firstly, there’s the intimacy, security and control that a commitment of this kind gives. In other words, when we’re involved with one person and open ourselves up to them. You get the notion of long-term stability that results from having someone to yourself. However, once you start adding other people to the relationship, that means by implication there’s less attention and also fears of not being enough. For instance, if your partner were to talk through emotional things with someone else because they can talk to them better than to you. The same goes for sex. The thought of someone else being able to satisfy your partner more than you could might ring alarm bells for you that they may leave you and suddenly cause upheaval in your life, including the matter of where you live.

It sounds to me as though monogamous relationships are purely selfishly motivated.
There are other reasons for being in a monogamous relationship. Some people believe you can’t create such a deep connection with another person unless you’re exclusive. And that relationships can only be intimate and develop when you give your all to just one person. In my view, both arguments hold water.

But monogamous relationships and fidelity have long since offered no guarantee of lasting happiness or a deep connection. Would you not agree?
No. These arguments might well apply to a monogamous relationship, but they don’t apply to everyone. There are couples in open or polyamorous relationships who give each other more space and yet or, perhaps, therefore have a deep bond. Just as there are people in monogamous relationships who don’t really open up to each other. To put it another way, fidelity can indeed deepen feelings about another person and enrich a relationship, but it can also make you pull away. To the point where you cheat. Be it emotional or sexual, fidelity is a double-edged sword.

Is there anything that could inadvertently be influencing my stance on fidelity
The phase of life you’re in can alter how much weight you give to fidelity. If you’re pregnant or a mum to small children, you might have a greater need for consistency. Or if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, for instance. At times like those, we feel dependent on the loyalty another person can give us. Fidelity is a multifaceted concept that can be looked at from many different angles. Not only that, it’s a topic that sparks a lot of fascinating philosophical discussions.

Such as...? Take, for example, the question of blame and innocence. In cheating situations, we often cast the one who’s strayed as the baddie and the person who’s been cheated on as the poor victim. That’s classic black and white thinking. As part of this mindset, relationships where there has been infidelity are often characterised by different couple dynamics and where the behaviour of both couples plays a role. Thus, it could be the case that the supposedly lovely person who’d been cheated on had in actual fact henpecked their partner for years. Are they to blame if the other then uses an affair as an escape?

That’s an interesting way of looking at it…
It’s one of many ways to look at it. Another question could be: how would a couple navigate their relationship after patching things up following an affair? Can the person who’s been lied to use the past as leverage to guilt trip the other? In other words, as the betrayer, do you owe your partner something? What’s also interesting is the fundamental question of how much you should even tell the other person when you’re in a relationship.

How do you translate philosophical thoughts into your practice? Let’s assume I had cheated. Do I confess to my partner or should I keep the infidelity a secret?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to that. What’s important is that you realise what your reasons are and understand the consequences of your actions. Do you want to fess up to clear your conscience, perhaps? Or with the goal of working on your relationship? Or maybe you’d rather keep it to yourself because you’re scared of how your partner might react? If you decide not to say anything, you need to be sure you can live with that and continue your relationship without further distancing yourself from your partner. At the end of the day, your decision has to follow on from what motivates you. It might not make much sense to confess any escapades to your partner if you want to leave them anyway. Especially if you have no interest in any «drama» or a talk to clear things up.

So, you’re saying that, first and foremost, you have to be honest with yourself...?
Exactly. If you start discussing an affair, you have to expect that you might awaken powerful emotions. And you’ll have to be able to cope with that. You might also find it brings up feelings you hadn’t expected.

It all seems to come back to a sense of guilt – how should you deal with it?
Feelings of guilt only rear their head when something happens that you hadn’t expected. In other words, blame is an indicator that you’ve done something which doesn’t benefit your partner. It’s something that’s harmful for any relationship where you have an equal footing, be it a friendship or something more romantic. It’s all about having respect and consideration for each other.

Does that then imply you’ve not done anything wrong if your guilty conscience fails to materialise?
You can’t really make a blanket statement about that. Just because there aren’t any pangs of guilt, it doesn’t necessarily mean to say you’ve stuck to your side of the bargain of being in a relationship. When it comes to narcissists, it’s a topic that comes up time and again. The pattern being that they hurt people but then have no emotional connection to it. They simply don’t care. There are also those who don’t feel they’re to blame because they justify their actions and pass the buck to their partner.

What do you mean?
For instance, you could explain your affair away by saying your partner doesn’t treat you well. Or you can talk yourself into believing that it’s your right to look for sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship because your partner doesn’t want to be intimate any more. And when they then feel hurt, you say it’s their own fault. It’s only really a «good» sign for a guilty conscience to be absent when everything has been agreed, discussed and the actions that took place were allowed. What I often notice in therapy is that people take liberties with their own actions because they’re under the impression they’ve got everything under control and are good at self-evaluating. However, your partner will be more critical and merciless.

What goes on in someone’s head when they find out their partner has been cheating?
While a lot of people who are confronted with infidelity in their relationship do indeed struggle with the act of cheating itself, what they find harder to stomach are the lies that surround it. Especially if it’s been going on for a long time. Or if they find out their partner has been having an affair and they don’t know how long it could have gone on for had they not been found out. According to a Parship study from 2014, 62% of Swiss people who had been cheated on found out for themselves. It makes them realise they’ve been deceived and now have to rewrite their relationship, or rather interpret it in a new way. Discovering this can hit them hard. The partner who’s been betrayed then starts to think back to events and situations and look at them in a different light now that they’re armed with the knowledge of the affair. Such as moments when their other half vehemently denied any dalliances.

How important is the distinction between emotional and sexual affairs? Is one form of infidelity easier to forgive than the other?
We know from studies that, in heterosexual relationships, men tend to have a more difficult time reconciling themselves to the fact their partners have slept with someone else. Women, on the other hand, are more sensitive to their other halves having an emotional affair.

What stops us talking openly to our partner about these topics before we’re even tempted by someone else – as a kind of preventative measure? Wouldn’t that prevent a whole lot of hurt and suffering?
Relationships tend to be governed by implicit rules. By that I mean rules you think exist but that you’ve not actually talked about. And for as long as you don’t talk about them, you give yourself a free pass to ignore them or interpret them the way you like. After all, you’ve not agreed on anything officially. It’s almost like you don’t talk about it because you’re scared your partner will see things differently so you won’t get what you want. Basically, you let sleeping dogs lie.

And what happens when one of you has an affair?
Both partners are shocked. If you then ask the one who strayed if they really didn’t realise they were doing something that would hurt the other, most admit that they suspected it would. That’s why it’s important to discuss these things openly to see if you’re working from the same definition of fidelity. Some people, for instance, are OK with their husband going with prostitutes from time to time, but wouldn’t want to see them investing emotional energy in a close friend – be they male or female. These are some specific examples of fidelity that you just wouldn’t know unless you talked frankly about it.

According to a study (in German) that was carried out as part of the Love Life campaign for the Swiss Federal Office of Public Health (FOPH) in 2016, 27% of people in a committed relationship had been cheated on. Based on that, should we be reconsidering the concept of fidelity?
From a sex therapy point of view, it definitely makes sense to question this construct. People can feel attracted to so many different things. And that can go beyond the realms of what one other human can offer.

I see that as an answer to the question of why people cheat. Are there other reasons?
Some people get a thrill «from the chase». Others, on the other hand, don’t feel like their partner understands them on an emotional level, so they start to get friendly with someone who does. And little by little, that’s how they end up escaping to a new type of relationship. Another reason is that we have a distinct idea of what our partner is prepared to do between the sheets and what’s off limits. Role play, for instance. You might like it, while your partner doesn’t. When you know that, you might prefer to see this fantasy play out with someone else than instigate a conversation about trying it with your partner. You’re put off by the fear your partner might think you’re silly or not value you in the same way. These are all things you can bring to conversations or examine during therapy.

It seems as though we want to frantically hang on to what society defines as normal…
It’s a shame that even nowadays, the norm is still to get married and from then on to devote yourself to just one partner. Essentially, you’re making that one person fill the shoes of lots of different roles – lover, best friend, etc. That demands a lot from a single human, which is why it can put a great strain on your relationship. Paradoxically, however, often the only way to realise if monogamy is the right type of relationship for you is by getting hurt. I wish everyone could have the freedom to try it out first in order to decide for themselves. What feels comfortable for me? Because, ultimately, it comes down to one question: are you happy in your current situation and with the relationship rules you have?

For the last 14 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist from her own practice in Zurich. She’s also a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview:

All other articles in this series are here: