If you don’t want to become a mindless can opener, keep reading

It’s nighttime. The windows are wide open, my eyes sweetly shut in a deep sleep. Clank! I’m jolted awake. My phone reads 3:24 a.m. I squint at the window. What was that? The wind? A wild animal? A burglar?!

A little paw emerges between the blinds, struggling through the open window. Next, a pointed ear, a glowing eye and finally a whole head. My feline manoeuvres their slender body through what I thought were burglar-proof blinds – and takes a seat in front of me with a reproachful look and an accusatory meow.

Oh, right. It’s time for my cats’ 3 o’clock snack (that’s 3 a.m., mind you!) I have a female cat and a male cat – the latter still cowering on the other side of the blinds, mewling as if he’d been shot at.

Cats are comical little creatures clothed as cute balls of fluff with their own set of eccentricities. My two house cats regularly drive me crazy, and there are times I wish I’d never got cats in the first place. May this article serve as a warning lest you find yourself a tired member of your feline’s staff.

Life with cats – the beautiful side

I’ve been a cat mum for over a year now. «Mum» is no exaggeration; studies show that cats bond with their humans in much the same way children bond with their parents.

I think it’s similar the other way around, too. But before I list good reasons not to adopt a four-legged friend, let me say a few words of appreciation for my molly Hilde and my gib Jeppe. All in all, they enrich my life immensely.

Cats are clean, cuddly, funny and – I can’t stress this enough – absolutely adorable. Even when they’re fully grown. But they’re also stubborn, resistant to education, unswervingly convinced of themselves and their place in the world and very expressive with their emotions. Even though I secretly admire them for this attitude to life, they drive me up the wall, to say the least.

Why not to get a cat – the prologue

Let’s rewind to the opening scene. It marvellously reveals the nature of the cat. My now-destroyed blinds are just one victim among many, forced to bend to the will of my outdoor cats in the past year. Is it justifiable to claw your way indoors just to have a late-night meal served to you? Why, it certainly is, according to my oh-so neglected cats perpetually meowing at me to refill their food bowls.

Thought the nighttime action would be done after the feeding? Guess again. First, I wait to see if the flavour I’ve picked happens to suit my felines’ appetites. If so, Sir and Madame Cat naturally want to go straight back outside after their meal. Alternatively, they’ll scratch at the already very mistreated balcony door or climb up the curtains in the bedroom.

Needless to say, the basic equipment you’ll need as a newly minted personal can opener includes nerves of steel and equally sturdy cat furniture. But back to the beginning.

1. You don’t raise your cats; your cats raise you.

You may well be shaking your head while reading this, thinking, «Why is she entertaining her cats’ 3 a.m. snack at all?»

Well, getting cats to stop unwanted behaviour is about as easy as removing every last cat hair from your home. But more on that later. A Japanese research team came to the conclusion that cats understand when they’re spoken to and even know their name. According to the team, the reason cats don’t comply with our wishes, all the while wagging their tails and craving recognition, is that they frankly don’t give a damn. Cats don’t pander, and they demand unconditional love – wrecked furniture or not.

Besides, why should cats train their own tolerance if they can train their humans to be submissive instead? So don’t judge until you try your hand at the Sisyphean task of raising a cat.

P.S.: TikTok videos of cats performing tricks like sitting and rolling over simply can’t be real. No way.

2. Corpses under the carpet and cat hair everywhere

Even though my cats do their business in the litter box and lick their fur all day long, they don’t make my place any cleaner. They often carry cat litter all over the bathroom and their hair sticks to everything everywhere. My cats have even got me washing my curtains every month to get rid of it. It’s futile. There will still be cat hair on my deathbed.

Cats bring in everything imaginable from outside – soil from the garden, small insects or worse. They tear everything neatly into its individual parts and literally sweep the remains under the carpet – along with my hair ties, by the way, which they’ve taken to stealing at night. Not only have I become a regular curtain washer, but generally very meticulous when it comes to cleaning my home, beating out carpets and mopping the floor every week. A mug’s game B.C. (Before Cat) become indispensable. As for vacuuming, that’s part of my daily schedule. My tip if you’re thinking about getting a cat? Only do so if you’ve got a high tolerance for dirtiness and a cordless vacuum cleaner you can grab and go.

3. The cursed litter box

I dream of the carefree days before I had to clean the litter box. The acrid smell of ammonia, cat litter all over the bathroom (yes, despite the litter mat!) and the unsightly plastic housing taking up the little space I have.

I was actually under the impression that the litter box would eventually become obsolete with outdoor cats. Not so with my Hilde and Jeppe. They make a real ritual out of going to the toilet. It starts with them galloping in from outside and off to the bathroom. After the number two comes 90 seconds of digging around in the litter and on the plastic walls while letting out strained sounds. They prefer to perform this ritual in my presence. In fact, the best timing seems to be when I’m in the bathtub. The impulse to drown myself just to escape the stench is overwhelming.

But, as the saying goes, careful what you wish for. Recently, I’ve been needing to clean the litter box less often. At the same time, there have been warnings circulating in our neighbourhood chat about cat excrement in the children’s sandbox. Unfortunately, I have a dark suspicion as to the culprit.

4. The inconsistency of cat

The absolute unpredictability of cats: some love it, but most of the time it drives me nuts. It makes everyday life with them almost impossible. Preferences change almost weekly. Where you can pet them, which brand of food you should buy and which box you can remove from the floor is absolutely arbitrary. Cats are one big contradiction – and they blame you if you don’t follow them quickly enough.

In my household, the food issue is the most sensitive. After my cats devoured a certain type of food with relish throughout the week, I made the mistake of stocking up on many tins of it. Lo and behold, a few days later, the food was spontaneously no longer to their liking. Since then, I’ve been sitting on a supply of «juicy, grilled meat in fine jelly», which the two of them would refuse to touch even in the face of imminent starvation.

5. Your freedom shrinks with cats

The typical argument for cats instead of dogs – that you don’t have to take them on walks – is actually bogus. Even outdoor cats tie you down and make you more domesticated than you might like to be. Even if they’re always out themselves, they just like to know you’re keeping their home ready for them. That way, you can spontaneously prepare their food and welcome them home. Sounds a bit like a traditional marriage from the 1950s, eh?

Vacations, spontaneous overnight stays and even long working days require more planning and a network of neighbours and friends to help out. The worst part? My cats probably cope better with my absence than I do with theirs. They’ve done a great job training me to meet their needs. In all honesty, leaving them alone for longer stretches breaks my heart.

6. A rollercoaster of emotions

If you’re going to have a cat, you’ll need a strong sense of self. Cats are simultaneously needy and dismissive, creating a schizophrenic environment. Affection and rejection alternate seamlessly at times, boundless in both extremes.

In the morning, they’ll insist on sitting on my lap while I’m on the toilet. In the afternoon, they’ll ignore me when we run into each other outside or turn away from me with a disgusted look as soon as I try to pet them. These metaphorical slaps in the face can be quite painful. And in these moments, I might even toy with the thought of rehoming them out of sheer frustration.

7. You become a cat person

A final warning: get a cat, and you’ll inevitably undergo a terrifying metamorphosis into a cat person. Here’s a foretaste of what’s to come.

At parties, the cat person will secretly look at cat photos on their phone, often making inappropriate comparisons between children and cats and be oblivious to when «cat» has run its course as the topic of conversation. When they go away on holiday, they’ll write pages of instructions to their cat-sitters with meticulously detailed dos and don’ts and will enquire about their feline’s well-being exhaustingly often.

Let’s face it, nobody wants to be that person. Yet here I am. An incurable cat lady.